The usual busy neighbourhood was quiet and peaceful in the morning. I always enjoyed myself as I walked, this is also the time I treasured, as I was granted some "alone time" to clear some thoughts before starting a day of work.
Today is slightly different. I was walking to school a little earlier than usual and saw this rather big-sized girl while I was crossing the road.
Suddenly, I just paused and couldn't help staring at her. I know this is really unbecoming and extremely rude of me to do that. Afterall, even with the weight I have lost, I am still fat. I used to be fat and I am still fat. Who am I to judge her?
That's me, when I was close to 94kg.
The point of this blog entry is not to critize this lady whom I saw. In fact, I feel like a distasteful person to stare at her like that, but I swore that it wasn't on purpose. If I could, I would have apologized to her. I did not stare inappropriately at her because I feel she's unpleasant and ugly. Trust me, I know how life is like being someone who is on the heavier side. I always believe and still do believe that a person's worth is not measured by his or her appearance.
So, I did not stare at this lady I met in disgust. It's not disgust, but fear. Good old fear.
I was staring at her in fear.
In a bright Tuesday morning, I felt cold and was close to a shiver. It's the same kind of feeling you have when you just had a close save from something. Like fear mixed with gratitude.
When I saw her, memories of me when I was really fat just came back to me. All the images, of me trying to force a smile, telling myself when I stare into a mirror that I am pretty. Images of me when I was still a teenager crying in the changing room because there just isn't a pair of jeans that could fit me. I saw myself standing in front of a rack of gorgeous clothes, but found that none could fit. And there's me looking in shame when I saw how ugly I look as I peaked at the huge bathroom mirror on a holiday.
When I saw the lady, the thought I had was that, it could have been me. Me.
If it wasn't for that fateful day which I decide to start this weight-loss journey, what will I be like? I could have been on the other side of the road.
This is me, in 2010.
So, thank you, whoever's up there, for planning everything. This journey, this encounter, to make me count on my blessings. Thank you, kai, for staying so strong and determined, despite all the disappointments. Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I salute you. For your honesty and determination.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that a person's worth cannot be measured by appearance alone, but society has deemed it necessary to measure base on that.
I know how you felt because now is my own struggle and so called battle. Hopefully I will know how you are feeling about yourself right now 1-2 years down the road. I just want to say that in this short 3 weeks or so that I chanced about your blog, you have really inspired and motivated me.
Think about health rather than looks. I'm really glad that you're making healthy choices and eating healthily (i hope!) :D
ReplyDeleteSometimes, on public transport, when I see bigger frame people, I do remember that fear on being pushed and squeezed and "zeek" at when I was bigger. But then, if they are happy at where they are and feel confident, I salute them because they are truly beautiful people who love themselves. They can eat whatever they want and still feel confident and loved..... But for me, unfortunately, I could never put away those shame of being laughed at as a fat kid - donkey years ago, sick of being depressed when I shop for clothes and sick of people pinching my fats...irritating haha
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